Joke of the day

[jpd]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking crack.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs
and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
"And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your butt before prison .."

 

[jpd]

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs…” “OK.”

Ten years later at 40, they play.
“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.” “OK.”

Ten years later at 50,
“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “The food is good and there is plenty of parking.” ”OK.”

At 60,
“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Wings are half price.” “OK”

At 70,
“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.” “OK.”

At 80,
"Where do you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "We've never been there before and I would like to try something new."

 

[Chevy1]

**Biker Humor**
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops an old Harley rider for traveling faster than the posted speed limit:
He asks the old biker his name.
“Fred.” He replies.
“Fred what?” The officer asks.
“Just Fred.” The old man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the old biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The old man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The old biker replies.
“It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! I got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

[Chevy1]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

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[Chevy1]

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH.

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the South.
AND one more:
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

 

[Chevy1]

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with 'The Kick.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is 'The Kick?'"
The Farmer replied, "Well because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you and then you kick me and so on until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about it & decided that he could easily take the old codger, so he agreed. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. He was wearing heavy, steel-toed work boots. He kicked the attorney in the groin, dropping him to his knees, and causing him to vomit, and fall face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[movetheboat]

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.