Joke of the day
- Thread starter Chevy1
- Start date
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room.
Donald wanted to have s*x with Daisy the first thing Daisy asked was,
“Do you have a c0ndom?”
Donald frowned and said, “No.”
Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a c0ndom, they could not have s*x.
“Maybe they sell them at the front desk,” she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had c0ndoms.
“Yes, we do,” the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked,
“Would you like me to put that on your bill?
Thit No!’ Donald quacked,
I’ll thuffocate.
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied, "Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
To which the blonde replied, "Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The woman says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The woman says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."
I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my margarita in the back seat,, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive straight. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
One night a man was sitting on a couch eating some peanuts.. While he was in the middle of tossing one in the air his wife asked him a question. As he turned his head a peanut landed in his ear. They both tried to get it out, but only managed in pushing it deeper and deeper.
After a long time had passed they both agreed to go to the hospital. When all of a sudden their daughter came home from a date. The date was told of the situation and says "Sir, please sit down and relax" he then sticks both of his fingers up the mans nostrils. He then tells the man to close his mouth and blow.
Sure enough the peanut pops right on out. The daughter took the date in the kitchen to get him some dessert as a reward. The wife then turns to the husband and says " Isn't he so smart... What do you think he will be when he grows up?"
The father replied "Well, from the smell of his fingers... our son in law"
After a long time had passed they both agreed to go to the hospital. When all of a sudden their daughter came home from a date. The date was told of the situation and says "Sir, please sit down and relax" he then sticks both of his fingers up the mans nostrils. He then tells the man to close his mouth and blow.
Sure enough the peanut pops right on out. The daughter took the date in the kitchen to get him some dessert as a reward. The wife then turns to the husband and says " Isn't he so smart... What do you think he will be when he grows up?"
The father replied "Well, from the smell of his fingers... our son in law"
Jack MacKenzie, an engineer, dies, and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his Book and says, "Ah, you're that engineer? Sir, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer is sent to the Depths of Hell and is so consigned.
Pretty soon the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the abominable level of comfort in Hell, so Jack begins designing and building improvements. In time, all of Hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, and broadband wireless.
As so He at His choosing may do, within an infinite eternity, God communicates to Satan, asking, "So, how's it going down in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We now have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and broadband wireless. Why there's no telling what my engineer, Jack MacKenzie, will come up with next."
God replies "What? You've got Jack MacKenzie? That's a mistake, he never should have been sent down there. Release him to Me!"
Satan says, "No way. It's nice having an engineer on my staff. I'm keeping him."
God replies, "Send him up here or I'll sue you."
Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right. And, just where are You going to find a lawyer?"
Pretty soon the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the abominable level of comfort in Hell, so Jack begins designing and building improvements. In time, all of Hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, and broadband wireless.
As so He at His choosing may do, within an infinite eternity, God communicates to Satan, asking, "So, how's it going down in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We now have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and broadband wireless. Why there's no telling what my engineer, Jack MacKenzie, will come up with next."
God replies "What? You've got Jack MacKenzie? That's a mistake, he never should have been sent down there. Release him to Me!"
Satan says, "No way. It's nice having an engineer on my staff. I'm keeping him."
God replies, "Send him up here or I'll sue you."
Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right. And, just where are You going to find a lawyer?"
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock.
No problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!!
"Ah, that's nothing'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock.
No problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!!
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
wader
Well-Known Angler
A letter from George Santos: 'I am recusing myself from committees. Also, I am Batman.'
Dear America, the country I helped found,
My name is Republican House Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
KIDDING! It’s me, Republican Rep. George Santos of New York. You might remember me from my starring role in the hit NBC television show “Frasier” (I played the dog) or from one of my playful aliases, which include Anthony Devolder, Anthony Zabrovsky, Milton Berle and Fozzie Bear.
Since being elected President of the Universe by my amazing constituents in (NOTE TO SELF: remember to look up which district I claim I’m representing), there has been some unfortunate drama surrounding “things I’ve said” and “claims I’ve made about my background.”
Blah, blah, blah. The people of (INSERT DISTRICT NAME HERE – DON’T FORGET!) spoke when they elected me, and I plan on serving them in Congress just as I served my country as a member of SEAL Team 6 during the Clone Wars.
That said, the last thing I want to be is a distraction, so as of today I am recusing myself from the committee assignments my fellow Republicans gave me a couple of weeks ago when they apparently didn’t care about the so-called myriad lies I’ve been accused of telling.
In a conversation with my close personal friend and fellow Led Zeppelin bandmate Kevin McCarthy, we agreed it’s in the GOP’s best interest that I do not sit on the House Small Business and Science, Space and Technology committees until ongoing investigations into my finances and record-setting collegiate volleyball career are concluded.
As Speaker McCarthy said during our meeting, this move will allow me to devote more time to my central mission in Congress, which is voting for whatever he tells me to vote for.
It will also allow me to focus on my primary role as The Batman. Many of the committee meetings would have kept me tied up during peak crime-fighting hours, and I owe it to the people of Gotham City to be there for them.
I realize many Democrats are calling for me to resign simply because I may or may not have embellished details about: where I went to high school; where I went to college; what sport I played; where I worked; where my mother was on 9/11; my name; my faith; my finances; and a number of things nobody has caught onto yet. (THINK ABOUT DELETING THAT LAST PART – SOUNDS SASSY/FUN, BUT COULD BE A PROBLEM.)
I know a new Newsday/Siena College poll found that 78% of voters in (INSERT DISTRICT NAME HERE AGAIN) want me to resign, including 71% of Republican voters. But as a proud graduate of Siena College who received a master’s degree in polling, I can tell you those numbers are fake, and I would known because I invented the word "fake" in a word laboratory at the University of Oxford in 1991.
So don’t worry, George Devol … sorry, George Santos is not going anywhere, and there is nothing to these scurrilous accusations leveled against me, presumably by people jealous of the Pulitzer Prize for fiction I won in 2007 under my pen name Cormac McCarthy.
As sure as I was able to transform lead to gold in the alchemy class I taught at Harvard University, I will return to my committees once I have helped my party complete the wholesale evisceration of the word “hypocrisy.”
I appreciate your time. May God bless America and all of you, as well as my beloved husband Paul Rudd and our darling daughter Zendaya.
Most sincerely,
– George Santos-ish
wader
Well-Known Angler
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
wader
Well-Known Angler
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
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