The "Fake News" Thread

Roccus7

Roccus7

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Look at this as a place to post stuff from places like The Onion, and other, well-known satirical websites...

Maine has its own, the "New Maine News" and this AM's post was quite predictable...

Survey: 24% of Maine Women Would Leave Spouse for Tom Brady; 27% of Maine Men Would Do the Same

Posted: 20 Jan 2019 07:57 AM PST
Foxboro, MA – A new report from the Institute of Sports Research reveals some unsurprising statistics about Patriots fans in the state of Maine.

According to a survey of 5,500 Pats fans in Maine, nearly a quarter of Maine women say they would happily leave their spouses for Tom Brady, with slightly more Maine men saying they would do the same.

“Oh, no question,” said Jerry Albert of Mapleton. “The guy just knows what he’s doing. He got us back from trailing 28 – 3 to win the Super Bowl,” Albert said.
“I have to imagine that sort of determination and football IQ would translate to a thoughtful lover.”

Maine women and men in the survey both cited Brady’s dopey smile and unassuming nature as major points of attraction.

“He’s the best there is. That has to mean he’d be the best husband. He could lead us untold marital championships.”

People across the state agree Tom Brady would make a great husband to anyone.

“Guy was a sixth round pick,” said Rev. Tom Oulette of Jackman. “Now he’s the greatest quarterback to ever have played the game. In many ways he is the stone the builders rejected.”

Almost 100% of men and women surveyed outside New England believe Tom Brady would be a terrible spouse, citing an unproven belief he would cheat on them.
 
Blue Angels Hold First-Ever Open Tryouts

PENSACOLA, FL—Harold Enderby's friends say that when he first saw the Navy's televised announcement that the Flight Demonstration Squadron, better known as the Blue Angels, would be holding open tryouts for the first time in its history, the lifelong aviation buff turned to his fellow sanitation workers at Doug's Dugout Bar-N-Grill and said, "Mark my words—I'm going to be a Blue Angel if it's the last thing I do."

And this Sunday, that dream came true for an incredible 43 seconds, as Enderby got the chance to fly the famed Blue Angels' F/A-18 Hornet directly into the tarmac during the first day of the Navy's most dramatic—and colorful—audition program ever.

Since 1946, the Blue Angels have recruited only elite military fighter pilots. But this week and this week only, the Navy is giving the public a rare treat: allowing ordinary, everyday citizens a chance to try out for the world's premiere stunt flying team. Memorial services for Enderby, along with five other late aspiring aviators and 81 others from the assembled crowd and surrounding communities, will begin Friday and continue throughout the month.

"Some of these folks may not have worked their way through four years of the Naval Academy, 10 years of flying missions as a naval aviator on three different carriers, two sessions at the fighter school at Miramar, and another 18 months of special aerobatics and flight operations here at Pensacola—like I did—but they sure had spirit," Blue Angel member Johnny Krewsh said. "They gave it their all and that's what counts. My hat is off to them, and to their surviving family members."

With would-be pilots lining up by the thousands and crowds predicted to grow even larger over the next six days, the excitement and death toll are both expected to rise.

"It was quite a sight to see so many citizens arriving at the airbase entrance just hours after the initial announcement," said Lt. Cmdr. Maxfield Walton, the officer in charge of registering and interviewing the excited applicants, as well as contacting their next of kin. "Who knows? Your old math teacher, a cab driver, the guy in the next cubicle who can't seem to do anything right—anybody could be the next Chuck Yeager. Now this is their chance to strap themselves into a† $41 million 1,200 mile-per-hour airplane and show us what they can do."

1548084879900.webp


Though some of the amateur Angels got into the cockpit, suddenly realized they didn't know what they were doing, and jumped right back out, Navy officials said all who put aside their fears or lack of experience or physical disability to climb aboard a fighter jet were stars today.

The once-in-a-lifetime tryouts will continue throughout the week. But long after the flames resulting from this unique recruiting experiment have died—which FEMA personnel said should happen within 10 days—the fire of these plucky applicants' enthusiasm will shine on.

1548084949836.webp


The enthusiasm of Erin Rappaport, a Springfield, IL eighth-grader who played flight simulators on her PlayStation and impressed Naval flight teams when she sat in the F/A-18 Hornet's cockpit for the first time and already knew, or could guess,† the functions of many of the jet's 188 different controls.

"That sounds just like Erin," said Rappaport's math teacher, Janice Billingsly. "We'll miss her very much."

Erin wasn't the only special person who flew here today; she wasn't the only female, or the only person to crash into Pino's Pizza on Grove Avenue, or even the youngest. But, witnesses said, she displayed incredible grit and a can-do attitude to her classmates who were inside eating pizza when she tried to fly by and wave.

Officials also singled out the determination of San Dimas, CA's Alfred K. McAllister—affectionately described by Blue Angels flight instructor Harmon Links as a "hell of a tough old guy"—who took off and just kept going.

"We almost couldn't find enough phone books for him to sit on, and he decided against the helmet because it knocked off his glasses," Links said. "But what a trooper. He never once looked back. Radar finally lost track of him about 200 miles out over the Atlantic, still climbing."

"I think he thought he got to keep the plane!" Links added. "If we ever locate and recover the wreckage, we hope to give him the proper burial he deserves."

Others noted the beaming face of Peter Collsworthy, a foreman at an Akron, OH cement plant for the past 25 years, who got the biggest roars from the crowd by far.

"He may have flunked the 'near-miss' part of the high-speed aerobatic pass, caused the death of a man with 17 years' flight experience when he sheared the wing off of Cmdr. Hickock's plane, vomited into his helmet, panicked, inverted the aircraft with the throttles maxed, and hit Mach 1 just before crashing into bleachers full of spectators with almost a full load of fuel," Blue Angels commanding officer Brock Saxon said. "But he nailed the steep climb and the steep dive, and he certainly had showmanship. If there's one thing I keep telling my cadets, it's that you can't teach enthusiasm. I think we all learned a little something about the power of raw enthusiasm here today."

"That crowd was rocking out to 'Danger Zone' when he plummeted into them at the speed of sound," said Lois Collsworthy, Peter's widow. "That would have meant a lot to him. He always loved that song."

:LOL::LOL:
 
New Maine News Strikes Again, although after living here for 9 years, I wouldn't be surprised. No sense having cell phones up there, they wouldn't work!!

Anthropologists Discover Uncontacted Maine Town Still Using Crank Phones

Posted: 23 Jan 2019 04:53 AM PST

Western Maine – In a find researchers are calling “astonishing,” a previously unknown town has been discovered in western Maine, the inhabitants of which still rely on hand-crank phones for communication.

“In this day and age, we thought we’d found every town in Maine,” said University of Maine lead anthropologist Dr. Jennifer Smith. “To find one more after all these years… it’s a once in a lifetime discovery!”

The last Maine town to use crank phones, Bryant Pond, gave up its traditional system in the early 1980s. It was believed to have been the last town in the United States still relying on the early 20th-century technology.

“This rewrites a lot of what we thought we knew about the development of Maine societies,” Dr. Smith said.

The town, which anthropologists haven’t yet named, was discovered accidentally when one of the researchers took a left when he should have taken a right.

“We were initially heading to New Hampshire to hit the state liquor store,” Dr. Smith said, “but after two hours we realized we were lost.”
It was then the researchers stumbled into the uncontacted town.

Smith said the research into the culture of the community has only just begun, and worries the introduction of newer technology could ruin it.

“There are still people across Maine who have a hard time dialing more than 4 numbers, but these people and their primitive ways only have numbers for ‘one,’ ‘two,’ and ‘many,'” she said.
 
GMC Introduces New Disposable 2004 Sierra Truck for Young Mainers
Posted: 01 Feb 2019 02:11 PM PST
Detroit – Auto maker GMC is bringing back one of its older models for an exclusive reissue for Maine.

“We couldn’t help but notice the popularity of the 2004 Sierra on Maine’s roads and front yards, so we decided to bring them back as a low-cost option for Mainers,” a spokesperson for GMC said.

The new, disposable pick-up trucks are designed to be identical to most 2004 Sierra’s already on the road.

“Our reissue comes in three different styles,” GMC said. The least expensive “entry-level” 2004 GMC Sierra reissue comes complete with authentic bumper rust.

“That tiny bit of rust on the rear bumper means the entire frame is about to collapse into dust, but for $1200 it will get you through until the next sticker,” GMC promises.

Other options on the disposable GMCs include pre-bald tires, missing mufflers, and customer choice of cigarette, weed, or bar and chain oil scented interiors.

There are also different after-market stereos installed in some models, or consumers can simply choose to have an empty hole in their dash where a radio was going to be “but they got the wrong harness.”

“These trucks are often in Uncle Henry’s, or parked at the end of people’s driveways with a cardboard sign displaying the price. We saw a demand for a good truck a younger person could buy, tool around in for a while, and then abandon at their grandfather’s pit.”

General Motors is also considering reissuing the 2002 Pontiac Sunfire “specifically for Maine’s young ladies.”
 
Not sure how "Fake" this one actually is Agarn, LOL!!!

Regardless of Whether the Patriots Win or Lose, Majority of Mainers Calling in Sick Tomorrow

Posted: 03 Feb 2019 06:30 AM PST

Statewide – Super Bowl LIII happens tonight, and Mainers across the state are already preparing for the event by thinking up excuses not to go to work tomorrow.

“I don’t want to say we’re going to win because I don’t want to jinx it,” said Donald Pelletier of Rumford, “but I got a good feeling about this one and no matter what happens I’m getting about half-tight.”

“I have a slight allergy to corn chips and it’s probably going to flare up on me come Monday morning,” he said.

Super Bowl celebrations are scheduled for across the state, with Mainers coming together to drink, eat, swear, and scream.

“No matter what there’s going to be lots of yelling,” according to Tammy Look of Eustis.

“My old man just starts yelling, from the coin toss until the post-game, and we all get louder as the game progresses. My throat’s going to be too raw to go in on Monday, that’s for sure.”

Look said during the Pats historic Super Bowl LI victory, they were “yelling so loud” she doesn’t actually remember it.

“Must’ve lost oxygen to my brain from all the hollering, because Christ if I can remember us winning.”

Jesse Sprache of Palmyra remembers the heartbreak of the 2007 Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants with a heavy heart.

“Called in that Monday and ain’t been back to work since,” Sprache, now on disability, said.
 
Roccus7 said:
Not sure how "Fake" this one actually is Agarn, LOL!!!

Regardless of Whether the Patriots Win or Lose, Majority of Mainers Calling in Sick Tomorrow

Posted: 03 Feb 2019 06:30 AM PST

Statewide – Super Bowl LIII happens tonight, and Mainers across the state are already preparing for the event by thinking up excuses not to go to work tomorrow.

“I don’t want to say we’re going to win because I don’t want to jinx it,” said Donald Pelletier of Rumford, “but I got a good feeling about this one and no matter what happens I’m getting about half-tight.”

“I have a slight allergy to corn chips and it’s probably going to flare up on me come Monday morning,” he said.

Super Bowl celebrations are scheduled for across the state, with Mainers coming together to drink, eat, swear, and scream.

“No matter what there’s going to be lots of yelling,” according to Tammy Look of Eustis.

“My old man just starts yelling, from the coin toss until the post-game, and we all get louder as the game progresses. My throat’s going to be too raw to go in on Monday, that’s for sure.”

Look said during the Pats historic Super Bowl LI victory, they were “yelling so loud” she doesn’t actually remember it.

“Must’ve lost oxygen to my brain from all the hollering, because Christ if I can remember us winning.”

Jesse Sprache of Palmyra remembers the heartbreak of the 2007 Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants with a heavy heart.

“Called in that Monday and ain’t been back to work since,” Sprache, now on disability, said.
Click to expand...
I know a lot of people that take today off. Most of them watch the game at VFW halls.
 
Not sure how "Fake" this fake news, but it IS a great example of satire, in the spirit of Jonathan Swift's, A Modest Proposal. Seems a "Southern" version has been talked about here...

Couple Who Moved to Maine This Morning Now on 7 Different Town Committees
Posted: 13 Feb 2019 04:00 AM PST

Edgecomb – Braydon and Kendra Peters-Robinson left the city life in Connecticut behind to start a new one in Maine, arriving early this morning and getting themselves appointed in town government immediately.

“We met near here, actually. We were waiting in line for a lobster roll at Red’s Eats,” Braydon said, “and we’ve both always loved Maine, so we thought, why not move there and set ourselves up in town government as soon as we can?”

Kendra agrees. “The sooner we can introduce our progressive values and make sure nothing about our idyllic town ever changes, the better.”
Kendra is on the selectboard, medical services board, board of appeals, and is the new town animal control officer, while Braydon serves on the fire department, planning committee, and the school board.

“We don’t plan to have kids, but if we do, we want them to have the best education we heard about on a really great episode of Radiolab,” Braydon said.

Once the couple is finished unpacking, something Kendra said “will begin as soon as the movers arrive,” they plan to undertake radical changes to make things more comfortable for them and people like them.

“We were surprised to see a few Trump bumper stickers, so we think if we just slowly raise the cost of living through tax increases, while decreasing the existing property tax base by encouraging more non-profit galleries and museums, we can nudge them in the right direction,” Braydon said, pointing inland.

“I’ve never felt a sense of community like I do here in Edgmund or whatever it’s called.”

As of the time this article was finished, Kendra announced her run for state senate.
 
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Ask for Directions in Paris

PARIS - A funny thing happened on the way to Doomsday - the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse got lost and had to ask for directions! That is the wild story of a French police officer who claims that one of the fearsome riders trotted up to him on the roadside and sheepishly asked, "Do you know the way to Rome?"

"It was the one on a red horse, holding a broad-sword. I guess that must be the Second Horseman, the War guy," highway patrolman Michel Clenard told a Paris newspaper.

"I was totally taken aback. I mean, these guys are supposed to be determining the fate of all mankind - but they seem to have no Earthly idea where they're going. And I didn't know whether to point them in the right direction or send them on a wild goose chase."

According to prophecies in the Holy Bible, a warning sign that the end of the world is near will be the arrival of four mysterious horsemen, representing the major calamities that will plague man in the last days - war, famine, pestilence and death (Rev. 6:2-8).

The uncanny encounter took place 13 miles outside Paris on the highway from Dijon. Officer Clenard was assisting a female motorist whose auto had broken down on the side of the road, when he first spotted the hooded horsemen and their giant steeds.

"They had stopped on the other side of the road and they were arguing over their map about which way to go," said Officer Clenard. "I was concerned because cars were whizzing by really fast and the horses seemed like they were getting anxious."

Officer Clenard said eventually one of the horsemen was sent over to his patrol car.

"The guy seemed reluctant and when he got close enough for me to recognize him from illustrations in my Bible, I understood why," he said. "The guys are supposed to be these big, bad harbingers of doom - asking for help must have been humiliating."

Officer Clenard said the Second Horseman spoke in an antiquated form of French.

"I advised him to keep his sword sheathed and I gave him directions, but I'm not sure he got them right," the cop said. "When the riders took off, two of them headed the wrong way!"

www.weeklyworldnews.com
 
Truer than you would believe...

Dress Carhartts Converted to Work Carhartts

Limestone – After nearly seven years of formal service as fancy attire, James Tremblay will begin wearing his navy blue Washed Duck Carharrt pants to job sites.

“I knew the end was near at Thanksgiving, because they were looking pretty faded, but at Christmas service someone noticed some threads sticking off the hammer loop,” Tremblay said.

“Good pants, last forever, but I can’t wear these ones with my nice shirts anymore.”

The Carhartts will join several other pairs of Carhartt pants in Tremblay’s work pile.

“Actually the knees just blew out of the ones I got when I graduated back in ’95 so I was probably going to start wearing them to work anyway.”

Tremblay plans to semi-retire the pants from formal service, wearing them on days when he doesn’t think he’ll come into contact with paint, oil, diesel, or industrial solvents.

“If I do wear them to work, I’ll just have to be extra careful,” he said.

Tremblay hopes he can avoid a disaster long enough to keep the pants in semi-formal condition for his cousin’s wedding this March.

“Probably just get a new dress pair with my tax refund,” he said.

Depending on the size of his tax refund, Tremblay also plans to buy a new pair of dress Red Wing boots.
 
Once again, not as “fake” as you’d like to believe, especially the jab at the vanity of Portland’s mayor.

Mainers Begin Filling Potholes With Plastic Bags In Hopes the State Will Start Noticing Them

Statewide – An unauthorized road repair initiative is underway in Maine as residents come up with a new solution to getting the state to pay attention to the wretched state of its roads.

Citizens across the state are taking the plastic shopping bags stowed under their sinks and using them to fill the potholes plaguing the highways and byways.

“Just about broke my old truck in half on a pothole in the South End,” said Rockland resident Jerry Coffen.

“I’d been up to Walmart, so I had a couple to the house, so I stuffed them down in there and sure enough, a lady in a Prius stopped to take a picture,” he said.

“Single use my ass.”

The deep and disastrous potholes marking Maine’s roads are the result of shifting temperatures, ordinary wear and tear, and years and years of neglect by state and local authorities.

“I figure if they’re just going to toss a couple shovels worth of asphalt in them holes and not even tamp it down, I might just as well do it myself,” said Lacey Pelletier of Auburn.

Residents of Portland have started placing vanity mirrors in potholes in hopes of attracting the attention of mayor Ethan Strimling
 
Roccus7 said:
Truer than you would believe...

Dress Carhartts Converted to Work Carhartts

Limestone – After nearly seven years of formal service as fancy attire, James Tremblay will begin wearing his navy blue Washed Duck Carharrt pants to job sites.

“I knew the end was near at Thanksgiving, because they were looking pretty faded, but at Christmas service someone noticed some threads sticking off the hammer loop,” Tremblay said.

“Good pants, last forever, but I can’t wear these ones with my nice shirts anymore.”

The Carhartts will join several other pairs of Carhartt pants in Tremblay’s work pile.

“Actually the knees just blew out of the ones I got when I graduated back in ’95 so I was probably going to start wearing them to work anyway.”

Tremblay plans to semi-retire the pants from formal service, wearing them on days when he doesn’t think he’ll come into contact with paint, oil, diesel, or industrial solvents.

“If I do wear them to work, I’ll just have to be extra careful,” he said.

Tremblay hopes he can avoid a disaster long enough to keep the pants in semi-formal condition for his cousin’s wedding this March.

“Probably just get a new dress pair with my tax refund,” he said.

Depending on the size of his tax refund, Tremblay also plans to buy a new pair of dress Red Wing boots.
Click to expand...


OMG funny. I have my work Carhartts on right now and yes they were my Sunday go to meeting one's before this. I just have the traditional tan ones the blue shows the dirt to easy. :eek: So as you have been here for a while you do know where to get yours don't you ?? :giggle:
 

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