Joke of the day

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going @$$hole! Now we're going to have to pi$$ in the boat."
 
Wise words from budding Oceanographers...

The Ocean: ALL you Need to Know.
Children Writing About the Ocean.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oyster's balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with two other men and a woman and some pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.
 
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a bit, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to the temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for several minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said: “Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?“
 
Avenger said:
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a bit, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to the temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for several minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said: “Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?“
Click to expand...
One of my standards with a BLT as the punchline.
 
A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case. The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: “Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with all the pain and labor, hence the child should be in my custody. ”

The judge turned to the husband and said: “What do you have to Say in your defense?”

The man sat for a while contemplating..

Then slowly the husband stood up, "Your honor, if you put a dollar bill into a vending machine and a Coke pops out, does that Coke belong to you, or the machine?"
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 
jpd said:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Click to expand...
jpd? ? :p:LOL:,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ><)))):>
><)))):>
 
1635212315657.webp
 
An Old farmer wrote to his son in prison;
Dear Son, this year I won’t be able to plant potatoes because I can’t dig the field by myself, I kno if you were here you would help me.
The son writes back; Dad don’t even think of digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole.
The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for money but nothing was found.
The following day the son wrote again………
Now plant your potatoes dad……it’s the best I can do from here
 
Guy walks into the bank and up to a women teller.

he say I want to open a fuckin back account.

the women says that’s rude , I will not deal with you and says she will get her manager to straighten him out.

Manager comes over and says.. how can I help you sir….the man says I want to open a fuckin bank account and deposit 5 million dollars.

the manager says certainly..oh and was this bitch giving you a hard time?
 
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a
haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his
whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the
shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out
the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was
the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know
what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber says, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like
everyone else does."
 
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart." :))
 
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