Joke of the day
- Thread starter Chevy1
- Start date
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million dollars.
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
Old Mud
Well-Known Angler
The old farmer had a large pond in the back,fixed up nicely with
picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming
when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it
over. He hadn’t been there for awhile. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny
dipping in his pond.As he approached, he made the women aware of his
presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked,or to make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up in the air, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Some Old men can still think fast!
picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming
when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it
over. He hadn’t been there for awhile. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny
dipping in his pond.As he approached, he made the women aware of his
presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked,or to make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up in the air, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Some Old men can still think fast!
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
JackPrintMD
Well-Known Angler
WHY DID THE SCARECROW WIN THE NOBEL PRIZE?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Because he was outstanding in his field.
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"
The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
Are my testicles black?
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old man. "You always feel
like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes
out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year old. "When you're seventy, you don't
have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the
toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes
out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year old. "When you're seventy, you don't
have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the
toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
JackPrintMD
Well-Known Angler
Blind guy walks into a bar......
Then a stool
Then the pool table.
Then a stool
Then the pool table.
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
Retirement Bonus
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
” Monday ‘s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday . After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn’t believe her, so she said: ” Next Monday ,when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”
So, the following Monday , while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,
“Do you shave?”
“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”
“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?”
“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”
“Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”
“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!”
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
” Monday ‘s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday . After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn’t believe her, so she said: ” Next Monday ,when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”
So, the following Monday , while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,
“Do you shave?”
“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”
“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?”
“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”
“Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”
“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!”
movetheboat
Well-Known Angler
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because,' It's a lot of money!'
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,' $165,000!' and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,' Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?'
The old lady replied,' I make bets.' The president then asked,' Bets? What kind of bets?' The old woman said,' Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.'
'Ha!' laughed the president,' That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!' The old lady challenged,' So, would you like to take my bet?'
'Sure,' said the president,' I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!' The little old lady then said,' Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?'' Sure!' replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:' $25,000 says the president's balls are square!'
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
'Well, Okay,' said the president,' $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.' Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,' What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?'
She replied,' Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.'
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,' $165,000!' and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,' Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?'
The old lady replied,' I make bets.' The president then asked,' Bets? What kind of bets?' The old woman said,' Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.'
'Ha!' laughed the president,' That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!' The old lady challenged,' So, would you like to take my bet?'
'Sure,' said the president,' I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!' The little old lady then said,' Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?'' Sure!' replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:' $25,000 says the president's balls are square!'
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
'Well, Okay,' said the president,' $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.' Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,' What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?'
She replied,' Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.'
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